The Land of the Boobies

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				THE
Column Archive				VIRGINIA GAZETTE
				WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA
The Land of the Boobies				November 24, 2004

It wasn’t too long ago that the Williamsburg-James City School Board bused itself up to Richmond, stayed in some fancy hotel, and engaged in what they euphemistically called a retreat. Cloistered and beyond the reach of a hostile citizenry, the board members made oozy with each other and emerged with the announcement that they had drunk of the elixir of love and discovered their common soul.

That lasted about a week.

Soon after their love fest, Alewynse & Co. became engaged in heated debates about the Jamestown auxiliary gym and a host of other problems that shattered their common soul into hundreds of bickering, unrecognizable pieces.

But the worst was yet to come.

Just as they were sailing along on the high that resulted from the overwhelming passage of the third high bond referendum, word trickled out that evil things about which they knew nothing were brewing in the system So focused was the School Board on the big picture that those pesky little bugs that cause mental diarrhea completely escaped their notice.

Amid charges of being totally out of the loop, the board suddenly found itself confronted with school cafeterias catering to mouse droppings, plumbing that allowed sludge to infect potable water and various verminous entities residing in the nooks and crannies of cafeteria kitchens.

As if that weren’t enough, Rick and Mick, two evangelists calling themselves the “Twin Towers,” pulled an end run around the board and, unbeknownst to them, managed, with the help of principals, to take over assemblies in five of the system’s schools.

Even worse, and again without the School Board’s knowledge, Rick and Mick schmoozed principal Parke Land with a less-than-precise school-use application and proceeded to pitch their evangelistic woo to students at an after hours pizza bash at Lafayette High School. For their efforts, Rick and Mick rode out of town with a $4000 fee garnered from principals’student activity funds and the PTA. Meanwhile, Thomas Jefferson is wondering what on earth happened to his wall.

As of now, the cafeteria crisis continues to be a work in progress, and the School Board hasn’t dealt with Rick and Mick at all.

Obviously it’s time for another retreat, another chance to reconstruct their shattered soul, or at least to regroup and find that illusive missing loop.

If they really want to get a glimpse of how an exquisite cafeteria is run, I suggest that they hie themselves off to the island of Aeaea, whose location isn’t exactly pinpointed in Homer’s “Odyssey,” but which has magnificent panoramic views of the Mediterranean. The place is run by a master chef, named Circe, who specializes in mixtures of cheese, barley meal, and yellow honey flavored with Pramnian wine. Her inn offers the ultimate in accommodations, with an enormous, sparklingly clean kitchen and gorgeously appointed bedrooms.

There have been rumors that Circe, in her zeal to concoct exquisite meals, has, from time to time, slipped up and unwittingly let some unidentified drug find its way into the Pramnian wine. The effect of the drug has allegedly been to cause diners to lose all contact with reality and eventually to wind up in Circe’s pigsty looking like porkers. But this should not concern the School Board, since that’s what retreats are all about. If you can’t transform your mind and body on a retreat, where can you?

On the other hand, if the board is intent on getting a grip on the Rick and Mick escapade, they might want to check out a place called Cocagne, which, as all Pinocchio fans know, is in the Land of the Boobies. Pinocchio, you recall, had a few problems relative to dancing around the truth and developed severe nasal problems as a result.

Luckily, however, he went to school, studied hard and got excellent grades. As a result, his good fairy told him that because of his hard work she would transform the puppet into a real boy.

Unfortunately, Pinocchio fell in with a ne’er-do-well of great persuasion named Candlewick. It was Candlewick who conned Pinocchio into leaving the good fairy and coming away with him to the Land of the Boobies, where there were no schools, no teachers, no books. It was the promised land for the young, where play held sway and the equivalents of pizzas and pop were plentiful.

In the end, Pinocchio, lured into what he thought would be a land of perfection, was duped. As a result of turning his back on good works and relying instead on the malleable words of an alleged friend, Pinocchio became not a boy, but a braying donkey.

Though the eats in the Land of the Boobies might not be as good as those at Circe’s place, our retreating School Board might find the educational experience there more satisfying. They might just discover that they should perhaps pay closer attention to the Ricks, Micks and Candlewicks of this world who are eager to manipulate the minds of students with sinister fronts, like “attitude check” assemblies and free ten dollar tickets to pizza blasts, that cloak their real intent.

While on retreat, the board and the principals it supervises might also familiarize themselves with Google. That’s where I quickly found out who Rick and Mick really are – or aren’t.