An illegic election primer

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				THE
Latest Column				VIRGINIA GAZETTE
				WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA
An illegic election primer				April 22, 2008

Hi.

My name is Jimmy Newbie and Lew Leadbeater asked me to fill in for him this week cuz he went to Key West to see the pope. He thought I might like to write something about this city counsel election we’re gonna have soon cuz this is the first year I can vote. I used to be on the football team but now I play baseball. I’m what you call a DH which is the guy who bats for the pitcher cuz pitchers can’t hit. I used to play second base until my opamolagist found out that I had this thing called myopicks which is why I could’nt see the ball going through my legs. So now I just hit. I’m 1 for 15 which my coach says is what a blind bat would be. Coach likes to joke a lot.

I won’t try to use all those fancy parts of speech that I worked into my last essay about that debate between Bradshaw and Kennedy. Mostly cuz I’ve forgotten what they are cuz now we’re studying Shakespere and my English teacher Ms. Gumby is all gaga over the funny dialog he writes in. I don’t understand most of what she’s talking about cuz I have to concentrate on my DHing, but I think Shakespere wrote that old kind of English they spoke in Rome or in the Bible. So Ms. Gumby kind of goes through it and translates the important parts into real English and talks about things like illegic couplets in poetry and stuff like that. I asked Billy Burkowitz what an illegic couplet was but he didn’t know either.

What I think it refers to is two people living together without being married, like Hamlet and Lady McDuff. I really like Lady McDuff cuz she’s always telling Mr. McDuff to lay on, which really makes Hamlet crazy. So he kills everyone but Lady McDuff who has this funny spot on her hand that she can’t bleach out. That’s kind of like her pennants.

Anyway, back to this city counsel election. I asked my mom who she was gonna vote for and she said she was gonna vote for the old guy cuz he sent his son to debate for him like some kind of an epoxy. Mom sez this is family values like Mike Hucklebee used to be. My dad isn’t gonna vote cuz he sez all politicians have a smaller brain than my dog Butz and they can’t even wag their tales.But if he did vote my dad said he would vote for this guy named Wehle (my spellchecker sez his real name should be Wheel, so he should probably learn to spell his name right) cuz he doesn’t think that city counsel should do stuff. He’s what you call a Liberalian, cuz he doesn’t think that politicians should do anything but pave roads. Or at least that’s what my political science teacher Mr. Conkle sez. Mr. Conkle talks a lot about political parties but I don’t think he’s a Liberalian cuz he likes Al Gore and global warming.

My girl friend Sheila sez I should vote for the college kid named Beeto cuz he’s young and cute and thinks that college kids should be able to party in big houses off campus. Actually, Sheila isn’t my girl friend anymore cuz Butz bit her in the leg and Billy Burkowitz has a car. My parents won’t let me have a car cuz when I got my drivers permit I backed out of the garage and ran over the neighbor’s pregnant cat and took out our mailbox. That’s when we found out I had this myopicks problem. (PS. How do you pronounce Beeto?).

Anyway, I’ll probably vote for Beeto cuz I like to party and for Judy Knudson (I know that’s right cuz the League of Lady Voters corrected my spellchecker last time). She’s got what Mr. Conkle calls name recognition which means that you should vote for someone if you know their name. And I know Judy Knudson’s name cuz she was the one who modulated that debate between Bradshaw and Kennedy that I reported on. I really don’t know the names of the other people (except for Wheel & Beeto), including the family values guy, cuz they’ve never modulated anything and I figure that if your on city counsel you’re probably gonna have to modulate at some point. So I’ll vote for Judy Knudson cuz I know her name and cuz she modulates pretty good when her mike works.

And I guess that’s all I have to report on the city counsel election. We have a game this afternoon so I have to suit up and take a few swings before the game. Coach says he’s gonna lob a few basketballs at me to see if I can hit them. Coach likes to joke a lot. Anyway. See you at the game. Maybe I’ll get my lucky pitch today.