Leadbeater's predictions

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				THE
Column Archive				VIRGINIA GAZETTE
				WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA
Leadbeater’s predictions				May 8, 2004

I used to think that people who made predictions should probably be locked away in a padded cell until their minds cleared. The charts, graphs and polls of the sociologically-minded political pundits always struck me as representing the futile attempts of non-scientific, fetid air blowers to work their way up to the position of talking head. Then, like Larry Sabato, they could bloviate about any subject and, oddly enough, be taken seriously.

In this year of political high voltage, however, everyone you talk to seems to be in the prognostication business. And, since I’m a firm believer in the if-you-can’t-beat-them-join-them school of thought, I figured I’d link up with Larry’s boys and walk the plank of futuristic folly. So here, in my totally uneducated opinion, is what’s going to happen as the year progresses.

To begin with, on October 12, Osama bin Laden will appear with President Bush in the White House Rose Garden. At that time, the announcement will be made that, although he was captured in January, bin Laden has been held incommunicado on a James River ghost ship while the CIA and FBI fisticuffed over which agency would interrogate him.

Much as a result of bin Laden’s capture, Bush will win big in November. I suspect he’ll be up between six and eight points over John Kerry, though this depends on the Nader factor. Actually, Nader might fool us all and garner about 6% of the vote. His progressive platform will offer the only haven for leftist Democrats who once again are about to be tossed to the wolves by their centrist-leaning party.

Unlike the Republicans, who impregnate their far right with sweetbread and cream pie, the Democrats will offer their base on the left nothing but compost heap slop and succulent swill. As a result, the Republican steamroller will flatten Kerry, whose main concerns will continue to be whether or not he owns an SUV, what he did with all his war medals and why his long-winded Ciceronian clauses are bamboozling the public.

I predict also that the Florida debacle of 2000 will not be repeated. Bush will win handsomely in Florida, since brother Jeb and the Republican-owned legislature are busy installing touch-screen electronic voting machines that leave absolutely no paper trail. In addition, polling places will be manned by volunteers more than willing to help the muddle-minded poke a finger at the right picture and name on the screen. Goodbye, hanging chads. Hasta la vista, recounts.

Immediately after he is re-elected, Bush will, with the acquiescence of a Republican Congress, the Supreme Court and the Pentagon, declare martial law. In the interests of fighting terrorism, the Constitution will be abrogated. Duck-hunting buddies Antonin Scalia and Dick Cheney will be instructed to assure that its provisions are only covertly violated.

Bush will then declare himself President-for-Life, and John Ashcroft will be appointed Pontifex Maximus, or prime consultant to the divine will.

Closer to home, Rep. Jo Ann Davis (R-1^st) will win in a landslide. Not only will she face no opposition from the now-dead Democrats, but her popularity will have soared as a result of her insistence on trash truck inspections and the fact that she pledged to uphold all Bush’s budget vetoes – including those that snookered her own legislation. The president will designate her a “Team-Player-for-Life.”

In Williamsburg, Mayor Jeanne Zeidler will continue to tip tepidly toward a new performing arts center. She will stick to her story that thunderstorms, mosquitoes, 90 degree temperatures and 100 percent humidity will not deter people from stampeding to the newly refurbished William & Mary amphitheater, with or without a roof, to hear the Virginia Symphony. Nor should the fact that there’s no place to park trouble the symphonic cognoscenti.

Colonial Williamsburg, meanwhile, will garner the approval of a friendlier City Council and the Williamsburg planning commission to build 2000 mini-condos on the Spotswood golf course. Like the local members of the now-defunct Tazewell Club, those who golfed at the Spotswood will be told to take a hike or pay through the nose for costlier greens. Tazewell members have already been shunted to the dingy basement of Providence Hall. In this recreational remnant they’re expected to pay the same exorbitant membership fees for no sauna, no whirlpool, no steam room, no showers, no indoor pool and one unisex bathroom.

In a further cost-cutting move, CW will fire most of its remaining employees and replace them with volunteers. Volunteers will be expected to put in 500 hours a year, for which they’ll receive attractive CW pins of appreciation.

Finally, before the end of the year, Del. Melanie Rapp (R-96^th) will switch parties. Suffering from a severe case of political pancreatic apoplexy brought on by Republican- initiated tax hikes, Rapp and her anti-tax groupies will resurrect the old Do-Nothing Party and run under its banner. Since a defunct Democratic Party will have undoubtedly voted itself out of existence by December, her opponent in 2005 will be Republican Philip Forgit.

And that, I predict, is what we’re in for later this year. Unless, that is, the Democrats can revivify a necrotic John Kerry and persuade him to leave the jungles of Vietnam and focus rather on the horrendous miscalculations and atrocities that now constitute Iraq.