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You’ll be delighted to know that your Virginia General
Assembly is on top of the Macedonian crisis and will soon enact legislation
to correct the appallingly discriminatory state in which Macedonians find
themselves in the Balkans. With the passage of HJ 552 almost assured, the
Virginia legislature will insist that Macedonians living throughout the
Balkans have the right to speak their own language, practice their own
customs and be granted all the civil and human rights guaranteed under
international law. It’s about time. This landmark
legislation will undoubtedly enhance the stature of our legislature even more
than the coup they pulled last year when they censured Janet Jackson for
going boobal. Nor is the world-shaking effect
of this bill being lost on the Albanians and Bulgarians, who even now, in
retaliation, are debating legislation that will insure that Hispanics in
Virginia be allowed to speak their own language and practice their customs
without interference from the English-is-the-official-language crowd.
Henceforth, all public schools must offer classes in both Spanish and
English, and all official records will be kept bilingually. Cinco de Mayo
will become an official Virginia holiday.
What all this means is that our
legislative loons have left their holiday nests and are flapping their way back to their fishing
hole in Richmond. Since July they’ve been vomiting up nonsensically idiotic
bills like the one above to clutter an agenda that should be devoted to,
among other things, the crises in transportation, higher education and mental
health. But that won’t happen, or at
least it won’t happen as long as we have legislators whose primary political
objectives are to wax trivially stupid and play to what they conceive to be
their constituents’ putative social agendas.
As a result, they will spend
valuable time debating bills that make it a misdemeanor to take a picture of
Uncle Al if he doesn’t want his picture taken (called “camera harassment”)
and that demean prostitutes unfortunate enough to wind up in the poky by
insisting that their DNA be analyzed. HJ 568 will bring the legislature to
its feet in commendation of the Charlottesville High School boys’ soccer
team. Complementing our continuing
divinization of former president Ronald Reagan, HB 1656 would have us
designate a dinky state bypass route in Prince William County “Ronald Wilson
Reagan Memorial Highway.” In a gentle nod to the crisis in education, HB 1573 will outlaw
in schools any apparel or style of dress that might prompt school violence.
This is obviously another swipe at Janet Jackson, who’s already in a swoon as
a result of our last legislative blast.
In addition, HB1585 would
prohibit principals from altering student grades for course work without the
consent of the relevant teacher. Who knew? Just when we thought
that teachers’ grades were sacrosanct, we find that Principal Solmeister has
been noodling with Johnny’s history grades without the approval of instructor
Failemall. Is nothing sacred? Quite predictably, the axis of
asininity in charge of obliterating gays in Virginia will be just as hard at
work in this session as it was last year. Topping the list of things to do to
protect the quaking foundations of heterosexual marriage is a proposal for –
guess what? – a new license plate! For all the supporters of traditional
marriage, this one will say: “Traditional Marriage.” This innovative message
will be surrounded by two interlocking gold wedding bands over a red heart.
Obviously gays wouldn’t be caught dead exchanging gold wedding bands, and
certainly gay hearts are of quite a different color from straight red hearts.
If the astounding logic of all
that sends you into a tizzy, you’ll love HJ 528, proposed by Dels. John
Cosgrove (R-78th), Richard Black (R-32nd) and Robert
Marshall (R-13th). This would amend the state Constitution to
define marriage as existing only between a man and a woman. In addition, it
would insist that nothing in the Constitution be interpreted to require the
Commonwealth to recognize or permit same-sex marriages or civil unions. That Marshall’s loopily labeled
“Marriage Affirmation Act” of last year left gays in Virginia with barely the
right to exist seems not to have deterred this trichinous trio from jumping
on the bandwagon of bigotry that brought the same amendment to other state
ballots in the last election. It would be ironic indeed if the state of
Virginia were caught dragging its heels in the promulgation of discriminatory
dicta. Kudos to these three legislative leviathans for preserving her
integrity in that regard. Finally, and not to be outdone
by Marshall & Co.’s race to radicalism, Del. Charles Carrico Sr. (R-5th)
will propose yet another constitutional amendment to permit the exercise of
religious expression, including prayer and religious beliefs, on public
property, including schools. Apparently this will settle the hash of all
those Jeffersonians who shoved a shiv into Rick and Mick for their back door
pizza bash. Look for the “Twin Towers” to be back next year, openly and
legally proselytizing at school assemblies. With all of these exquisite
concoctions on their plates, our legislators are going to find little time to
discuss issues of minimal importance, such as a third crossing or the
Medicaid crunch. But they will solve that Macedonian crisis, and who could
ask for more than that? |
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lewleadbeater.com Copyright 2002 All Rights Reserved
email: LWL@lewleadbeater.com |
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