The perils of graduation

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				THE
Column Archive				VIRGINIA GAZETTE
				WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA
The perils of graduation				June 12, 2010

What follows is a high school commencement address that I never delivered. After reading it, you’ll understand why.

“I am delighted to be here tonight as your graduation speaker, since this is the first commencement that I’ve attended since I graduated from elementary school.

I use the word commencement somewhat hesitantly, since I suspect that most of you think it synonymous with the finality of graduation and an end to the drudgery of sitting through endless classes in subjects in which you had no interest whatsoever.

But in fact commencement has little to do with ends and everything to do with beginnings. Unfortunately, you are beginning what could be the worst years of your lives. And it is in respect to this that a bit of advice might be helpful.

For those of you going to college, I say: Don’t!

The problem with college professors is that they’ll assume you can read and write, and we all know how fanciful that is.

Let’s face it. Most of you are reading on an eighth grade level, if that. You don’t read fiction, nonfiction, newspapers or newsmagazines. Your concept of literature is defined by how many text or twitter messages you send and receive each day, and your understanding of grammar is somewhat muddied by the fact that you think the number “8” is the past tense of the verb “to eat.” Trust me, it’s not.

Furthermore, you’ll be expected to write oodles of essays involving complex sentences with real words that are spelled correctly. Even more outlandish is the requirement that what you write, if you can believe this, makes sense.

So, this is pretty hairy stuff, since most of these essays will consist of more that 140 characters, and in test situations you may actually have to write them with, God forbid, a pencil.

As for history, politics and the world at large, you probably would do well to steer clear of all that too, much as you do now. The fact that you sailed through your history SOLs with a grade of 52% tells you all you need to know, which is essentially nothing.

Why clutter your minds with useless facts about the problems in the Middle East or Africa or the civics crisis in this country? In a recent Pew poll, 65% of those asked couldn’t name one member of the Supreme Court, so you’re in good company. If it doesn’t affect you directly, forget it.

What’s left are math and science, and you want to avoid them like the bubonic plague. Do you know what the bubonic plague was? Probably not, but trust me, you want to avoid it at all costs. Let the mysteries of the universe remain just that.

For those of you going into the workplace, I again have one word of advice: Don’t!

The problem with the workplace is that it’s a lot like school. You have to get to work at a certain time and leave at a certain time. And while you’re there, you actually have to work, which is not like going to school.

But what makes it really unbearable is that, unlike school, you can’t fall asleep at your desk or sass the boss as you sassed your teachers. Nor can you get passes to the nurse to smooch with your boyfriend in the hall. Worst of all, the company you work for probably won’t have a football team or cheerleaders.

My final advice to you, then, is this: Stay as self-absorbed as you are now and go home and mooch off your parents as long as you possibly can.

Or you could join the military and travel all-expenses-paid to Afghanistan. Do you know where Afghanistan is? Probably not, but in this case ignorance is bliss, so go for it if you really like surprises.

And by all means, good luck. You’ll need all you can get.”