Here's a real candidate

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				THE
Column Archive				VIRGINIA GAZETTE
				WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA
Here’s a real candidate				May 28, 2003

With a name like Leadbeater, you know you’re in trouble when people who have no idea who you are start slapping together mailing lists with the specific intent of mangling your identity. So, circulars from Ace Hardware come addressed to Mr. Lead Beater, while some credit card company thinks my name is Lewd Better, which sounds as though I have a lot more fun than I actually do. But it was my uncle, Manuel Leadbeater, who faced the worst case scenario when some realtor sent him a flier addressed to Marvel Headbeater.

Yet, all that is not nearly so bad as the recent mailing I received from Paul Jost. The letter was addressed to me (name spelled correctly) or “current resident,” and began: “Dear Conservative Friend.” And that’s as far as I read. Conservative was bad enough, but “friend”? I’ve never met the guy! Even if I had, I would never be a friend of someone who, according to Tommy Norment’s (R-3^rd) recent murky dispatch, takes candy from babies and is involved in some Texas lawsuit because he deprived kids of their investment funds. Or who is now accepting support from the same Christian activists who impaled him in his last election attempt.

On the other hand, I’m not sure that I want to be Tommy’s friend either, though he’s never given any indication he thought that I was. Why would you want to be friends with someone who, according to Jost’s flaky fliers, is going to raise your electric bill by 300%? Or who wants to pick your pocket? Or who’s depicted as a snarling Mr. Peepers with his fist thrust out threateningly, while Jost’s picture, in stark contrast, is one of a rather pudgy angelic face with a cherubic smile?

As far as I’m concerned, we can toss both these hucksters of hyperbole back into the slimy slough from which they emerged. They are an embarrassment to their Republican party, their district, and their state.

As of today, then, I suggest that we mount a massive write-in campaign and on June 10^th elect a candidate who will make us all, Democrats and Republicans, proud. That candidate is none other than the Gazette’s senior reporter, Bill Tolbert.

Tolbert, of course, is no stranger to political campaigns. Just last November he came within a hair’s length of unseating Jo Ann Davis (R-1^st), though the actual vote count (13,760-2) is deceptive. The point is that he outpolled Thomas Jefferson, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton – all of whom ran heady write-in campaigns - while Tolbert stayed above the fray and relied on the integrity of his positions.

In fact, so dedicated was he to his doctrine of non-involvement that it was only after the election that Tolbert published his political platform. Instead of taking definitive positions on issues important only to bickering politicians, Tolbert took the “no-new-promises” pledge and admitted that he stood for absolutely nothing. Refusing to lie his way around issues related to the environment, the economy, health care or education, Tolbert emerged as a magnificent cross between the ideal nihilist and Alfred E. Neumann’s “What, me worry?” And that, I submit, is the type of cathartic candidate who can take us to new political heights.

Furthermore, there is no truth to the scuttlebutt that Tolbert, since he was never seen campaigning, doesn’t exist. The malicious rumor being spread by some jealous political malcontent that Bill Tolbert is a pseudonym for Paul Aron or Rusty Carter is blatantly false. I know at least three people not associated with the Gazette who have actually seen Tolbert covering events all over town, and their descriptions of him concur in every respect (“He looks like someone I used to know”).

It is true that there is a somewhat disturbing notation on the Web that Tolbert died on May 15, 2001, but this is obviously a specious item planted by the anti-Tolbert cabal. The fact that there’s a picture on the Net of Tolbert roasting a pig named Rufus for the 6^th annual Remlik Corn, Crab, and “Q” Feast should put to rest immediately any rambunctious rumors of his demise.

Indeed, you have only to check out “Bill Tolbert” in a Google Net search to learn that this is a very active guy with an extremely impressive resume. Did you know, for instance, that Tolbert recently served on the Securities and Exchange Commission? Indeed, he just left that august body to become president of TransPort Ventures, which is heavily into monorails. Not a bad idea for a transportation strapped peninsula.

Given the vast scope of his experience in both the governmental and business arenas, Tolbert will be the perfect candidate. But more important is the fact that he will make no promises, stands for nothing, and has a refreshingly honest Republican campaign slogan: “It’s all about me in 2003.”

So, let’s leave the muckery to Jost and Norment and vote Tolbert on June 10^th. There should be one helluva pig roast at his victory party, and we’re all invited. Or at least that’s what Tolbert’s biographer, Jayson Blair, told me.