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A couple of weeks ago, the Gazette ran the results of
its latest survey about the best of things in our area. Yet, while the scope
of its inquiry was extensive and covered everything from Chinese restaurants
to peanuts, there were, I thought, some areas that deserved a more
significant probe. For instance, have you ever
wondered why some groups have a certain knack for getting their pictures in
the paper more frequently than others?
If you have, you should consider the success of the Republican women.
As far as I’m concerned, they’re the best when it comes to points for picture
publication. To be sure, the various garden
clubs in the area run a close second, but they rather fall into the
picturesque by virtue of the fact that there’s really no season around here
when some flower, vegetable, tree or bush isn’t waxing spectacular. But the Republican women are a
case of another sort, since they have scientifically developed the high art
of keeping their cheese-proclaiming physiognomies before the public week
after week. To begin with, they have
somehow managed to develop a system whereby there is an election of officers
every other week. In the weeks in which they’re not electing officers they
hold bazaars, fundraisers or meetings at which well-known Republican men
inform them on issues of great import, such as how to get their picture in
the paper every week. On these occasions, the Republican man will usually be
shaking hands with one of the Republican women when the group picture is
snapped. As a result of their astute
agenda, there is hardly an edition of the Gazette that doesn’t carry at least
one picture of freshly-coiffed, newly-elected Republican women or Republican
women doing good deeds for their party, God and country. Another thing the Republican
women have going for them is that there are evidently no Democratic women to
horn in on their publicity game and take up picture space that would normally
go to the Republicans. In fact, you might well ask yourself when the last
time was that you saw a picture of Democratic women doing anything, including
electing officers. The reason for this is
that Democratic women, like their
male counterparts, tend toward a bunker mentality. There are rumors from time
to time that the Democratic women, like the college gay and lesbian group,
meet in the closeted catacombs of old St. Bede church. There, lest they
become the targets of the Last Word’s anonymous arrow-slingers, they discuss
nothing controversial, but rather uncork a bottle of expensive Merlot and
lament the ubiquitous photo presence of the Republican women. Needless to
say, they hold no elections and take no pictures. Furthermore, no Democratic men
ever attend the meetings of the encrypted Democratic women, unless one of the
college gays happens to wander into their cell by mistake. Thus the pictorial playing
field is left completely open for the Republican women, and they take full
advantage of it, successfully rounding the bases week after week. In short,
they’re the best. Another useful inquiry when
considering the best of things concerns the question of time. We all would
like to know, for example, what would be the best or most likely time to be
hauled over by the police for going 5 miles over the speed limit on Jamestown
Road or Richmond Road. My guess is that it’s sometime between midnight and
five in the morning, though this issue clearly needs more scientific study,
and the results should be widely published in some journal of high repute,
such as “Car and Driver” or “Hustler.”
When the results are in, those
who have been hoisting a few ginger ales in celebration of Arbor Day or the victor in the latest
election of the Republican women would know when to quit and zip on down the
road at 25 mph. Finally, there were some
categories notably missing from the survey, such as the best bordello,
flop-house or location for homeless people. But I suspect that this will be
rectified next time around, if only because of the eagerly anticipated
arrival of Hooters. Nor was there much choice
involved in the category of best cable system. But my vote would have gone to
Cox Communications because Cox makes it so easy to disconnect yourself from
their services. All you have to do is truck your cable box over to their
tiny, well-hidden, phoneless Williamsburg “office” and surrender it to the
friendly Cox customer representative. It was one of the highlights of 2003
for me. 2003 was far from the best of
years, but certainly one of the things that kept us all on an even keel was
the realization that, despite war, economic hardship and Isabel, the
Republican women could be counted on to hold their elections on schedule and
smile for the camera. We can hope only that they won’t let us down in
2004. |
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lewleadbeater.com Copyright 2002 All Rights Reserved
email: LWL@lewleadbeater.com |
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