Advice to Class of 2011

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				THE
Column Archive				VIRGINIA GAZETTE
				WILLIAMSBURG, VIRGINIA
Advice to Class of 2011				April 27, 2011

To begin with, I’d like to thank the Board of Trustees and the Student Graduation Committee of Gumbie College for granting me the honor of addressing the graduating class of 2011 and for presenting me with an honorary doctorate degree in Latin Letters. I have always coveted an honorary degree, since such degrees seem to reflect so well one of the basic values of our society: the receipt of a prestigious award for doing absolutely nothing.

You will pardon me from the outset if I bypass the platitudinous pap that dribbles out of the mouths of most graduation speakers.

I will not tell you that you’re all possessed of bright young minds that will change the world once you leave here, because you’re not and you won’t. Nor will I tell you that you will find rich rewards out there because of all the hard work you’ve done over the past four years. You won’t. In fact, you’ll be lucky to find a job that will bring in enough to make the monthly payments on your student loans.

What I will tell you is this.

If you didn’t major in business or political science, you probably wasted a passel of time, energy and money.

Furthermore, for those of you who majored in business and took a course in business ethics, your degree is tainted beyond redemption. The last thing future Wall St. employers want to hear is that you have scruples. Regardless of what you heard in philosophy or religion classes, scruples are definitely not part of the worldly business mix. The only worthwhile business ethic is no ethics at all. Trust me on this. Wall St. bonuses are simply not awarded to those who work hard to perfect the moral standards of the system.

As for those of you who majored in political science and hope to enter the political arena, you probably had few ethics to begin with, and that’s a good thing. Hone your skills carefully. Obfuscation, pandering, demagoguery and the ability to look someone in the eye and lie through your teeth are the qualities you should continue to work on. Power and prosperity will definitely be your rewards.

To those of you who didn’t major in business or political science, I have only one thing to say: God help you.

What on Earth were you thinking? I suppose you bought into the argument that any college degree would better your chances in the marketplace.

Then you blithely went off the deep end and majored in philosophy, physics, sociology, psychology or English.

Again I ask: What were you thinking? How many employers do you think are out there looking for experts in existentialism, anti-matter, women’s studies, dream interpretation or Beowulf? I’ll tell you. None. None at all.

Ah, you say, but I can teach. Well, yes, if you want to be poverty stricken for the rest of your lives. Have you looked at teachers’ salaries lately? Some clerks in Wal-Mart are making more money than beginning public school teachers.

No, my advice to you is this: Take out another student loan or apply for a fellowship and go directly to graduate school. There you will find others like you who made similarly wonky decisions as undergraduates and are perpetuating their wonkiness by getting even deeper into studies that have absolutely no relevance whatsoever to the world at large. Classes in Sanskrit are especially popular.

But at least you’ll be free to intellectually meander through irrelevancy for another four or five years before you get your doctorate. And then you can – guess what? Teach!

The problem you face as you leave here is that you will be joining a society that, in many respects, mocks education, declares those who are educated “elites” and glorifies wealth and power above all else.

On second thought, perhaps your best bet is to stay right where you are for another few years and get that degree in business or political science. Society will love you for it.