California dreamin'

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California dreamin’

So, what’s going on in California?, you ask.

Is it just more of the flakiness that we’ve come to expect from the people who gave us Ronald Reagan, George Murphy and a host of other Hollywood right-wing boneheads, or have they really gone over the edge this time?

Probably not, if you consider the source of the present turmoil. That is, all you have to remember is that this whole calamitous mess was begun by a Republican millionaire who couldn’t stand to see a Democrat running the state.

In other words, this is just the latest in a growing list of Republican power grabs totally independent of the elective process.

First there was the miasmic appointment of Dubya in 2000 by the Supremes. Then the Texas Republicans forced the Democrats to take a hike in order to avoid a gerrymandering scheme that would cause the state’s House districts to resemble the maze of the Minotaur on Crete. And now there’s the recall of Gray Davis, who was duly elected only a year ago.

Certainly California is and has been in a state of dire budgetary crisis, but so is just about every other state. In fact, the only states in the nation that aren’t suffering budgetary woes are New Mexico and Wyoming. And that’s because New Mexico is living high off the natural gas hog and Wyoming is uninhabited – except for the Cheneys, of course, and evidently they and their friends at Haliburton are keeping that state afloat.

In addition, and as a result of deregulation, California’s energy crisis made the recent blackout in the East look like a pre-planned Halloween party. Grids were locked, blackouts rolled ad nauseam and Enron made a mint.

Add to all that the current Bush recession, and you might see why Californians are ready to toss Gray Davis off the Pacific Highway and into the drink. And yet, can Davis, despite his uncharismatic, dullardly ways, be blamed for a national recession abetted by Bush’s intolerable tax cuts and the immoral activities of energy companies, like Enron, whose illegalities have yet to be prosecuted by an administration with whom they are intimate bed buddies? Obviously not.

Yet, Davis is being blamed, and his current approval ratings have dropped below those of Richard Nixon in his worst Watergate days.

So, what’s the answer? Whither do rational Californians turn for succor and relief?

Well, apparently they’re turning to a Viennese bodybuilder with a German accent, whose father was a Nazi. If Ahnuld the Terminator can’t deliver them from budgetary hell, who can?

Now, Ahnuld the Terminator is a strange duck indeed. Though he believes in a woman’s right to choose, as well as in affirmative action and gay rights, Ahnuld, much to the consternation of the conservative wing-nuts, claims that he’s a Republican. And just to prove what a good Republican he is, Ahnuld has surrounded himself with Democrats.

In addition to his somewhat oleaginous wife, Maria Shriver, Ahnuld has brought on board Warren Buffet to help him with matters economic. Buffet’s first pronouncements sent shivers down the spines of most fiscal conservatives, in that he opined that Californians don’t pay enough in real estate taxes. Oddly enough, Buffet hasn’t been heard from since.

Then Ahnuld enticed into the fold as his ethical advisor Rob Lowe, who was caught in bed during the filming of his last major flick with several unsavory women of the prostitutive sort. Lowe’s job evidently is to assure his left-leaning friends that Ahnuld is really one of them, despite the fact that he feels a certain coziness with his rightist father.

Yet, there is little doubt that the essence of Ahnuld is his body, and that he believes that bodybuilding is the key to opening all portals, including those in the California governor’s mansion.

Indeed, from age 13 Ahnuld became enamored of bodybuilding and started training extensively in the town of Graz, which was a two-hour hike over mountains from his home. According to one of his friends, “once he started training he had very little time. He didn’t think of much of anything except his muscles.” Indeed, Ahnuld once went AWOL during his compulsory military service in order to win the 1965 junior Mr. Europe title.

And from there, in 1968, Schwarzenegger moved to Venice Beach, Calif., where he muscled up even more in Gold’s Gym. In 1969 he won his first Mr. Universe title.

Then it was on to an endless string of Terminator movies and his German-accented Spanish mantra: Hasta la vista, baby.

So, as you can see, Ahnuld has the ultimate credentials to be governor of California, and let no one gainsay his motives. He will, as he says, “make decisions for the people” and be beholden to no one, since he’s a millionaire many times over. And if the chumps in the state legislature don’t go along with his brilliancy in economics and energy, he will undoubtedly bang a few heads together and blast his way through their legislative obstacles.

California, then, seems to be on the verge of anointing yet another leader of high intellectual capability, and one who may soon be on his way to great national political heights. Our only hope is that Ahnuld, unlike Reagan, has no right-wing agenda and will probably never be known as a great communicator – at least not in English.

Indeed, it appears that Ahnuld has no agenda whatsoever, which is probably a good thing. Typical of his simplicity and the luminescence of his intellect is his rather stock response to all questions: “Ven I am guffernor, all Californians vill haff fabulous chobs.” And that’s about all Ahnuld thinks you need to know.

What seems to be happening, then, is that we may be on the brink of discovering the long-lost, albeit muscle-bound, Nietzschean Uebermensch, who will finally lead us into the promised land of Zarathustra. And that would certainly make Ahnuld’s dad proud as punch.

August 19, 2003